Alright, let’s dig into this idea of control together. It’s a big one, right? Control can feel like this double-edged sword: sometimes we grip it so tight it cuts us, and other times we let it go completely, leaving us floundering. Sound familiar? Let’s take a step back and really think about what control means, how it shows up for you, and—most importantly—how you can work with it rather than fight it.
Too Much Control
On one end of the spectrum, there’s white-knuckle control. This might look like:
Counting every calorie or carb gram.
Tracking your sleep down to the minute with an app.
Bringing your own pre-measured meals to a party in Tupperware.
Now, don’t get me wrong—structure can be great. But when you try to control everything, it can feel overwhelming. The to-do lists pile up, the rules get stricter, and eventually, you might feel like you’re living in a straitjacket.
Zero Control
On the flip side, sometimes it feels like everything’s out of control. Ever had that moment where you’re halfway through a tub of Nutella and wondering, “What just happened?” Yeah, that’s the other extreme. When we swing back and forth between these two ends—too much control and no control at all—it’s exhausting.
What Actually Works?
Here’s the real talk: control isn’t the goal. Action is. Control feels like action sometimes, but it’s not the same.
So, how do we know when we’re using control in a helpful way?
Ask yourself: How’s that working for you?
If your “control system” feels good—like your life is so together it’s practically sparkling—great.
But if it feels overwhelming, exhausting, or frustrating, it’s time to rethink it.
Let’s Get Practical
Let’s explore two simple tools to help you work with control more effectively.
1. The Spheres of Control
Grab a piece of paper ( or use the above) and draw three concentric circles. Label them:
Total Control
Some Control
No Control
Now, start filling them in. Think about the areas of your life—your schedule, your feelings, your environment—and ask:
What do I have total control over?
What do I have some control over?
What do I have no control over?
Be honest here. Sometimes, things we think are out of control actually aren’t. And other times, we’re white-knuckling stuff that’s beyond our reach.
Examples of Total Control, Some Control, and No Control
Total Control
These are things you have full autonomy over, regardless of external circumstances. They’re entirely within your reach to manage or change.
What you eat and drink.
When and how you move your body.
How you respond to challenges or setbacks.
The way you schedule your day.
The boundaries you set with others.
Your internal dialogue (self-talk).
How much effort and focus you put into your goals.
Some Control
These are areas where you can influence outcomes, but external factors may also play a role.
The environment you create at home (e.g., food availability, clutter, or distractions).
How often you get invited to social events with temptations.
How productive or calm your day feels, depending on unexpected interruptions.
How much sleep you get, influenced by things like work stress or children waking up at night.
Weight fluctuations, which depend on your habits but also factors like hormones or water retention.
No Control
These are things entirely outside your influence, no matter what you do. Releasing attachment to these can help free up your mental energy.
Other people’s opinions or reactions.
Unexpected life events (e.g., traffic delays, illness, or weather).
Genetics and predispositions (e.g., body type, metabolism).
The pace of societal trends or norms around health and fitness.
Global events or economic factors.
Once you’ve mapped this out, focus on the things in your total control circle. For the next couple of weeks, take deliberate action in these areas.
For the “some control” stuff, ask yourself:
What steps could bring these into the “total control” zone?
Do I even need to control this?
And for the “no control” stuff? It’s time to let it go. Shift your focus to managing your response instead.
2. Tune into Internal Cues
Here’s the thing: most of us rely on external cues to measure progress—things like calories, numbers on a scale, or what other people think. But external cues are fleeting. What happens if the app crashes, the scale doesn’t budge, or your friends stop commenting on your progress?
Instead, let’s start paying attention to internal cues—the stuff only you can feel:
How’s your energy?
How’s your mood?
Are you eating until you feel comfortably full?
Are you sleeping well?
Do your actions align with your values?
These are the signals that tell you if you’re on the right track. They help you adapt and stay in tune with what really matters to you.
Hugging the Cactus
Let’s wrap up with a metaphor: hugging the cactus.
Picture this: you’re gripping a cactus as hard as you can, thinking it’ll keep you safe. But the tighter you cling, the more it stabs you. Sometimes, the best thing to do is let go—just a little—and find a gentler way forward.
If you’ve been clinging to rigid control—whether it’s weighing every bite or sticking to strict rules—ask yourself:
Is this actually helping me?
Could I loosen my grip and try something else?
Your Turn
Take a moment to reflect:
What’s one thing in your life you could shift from “some control” to “total control”?
What’s one thing you’re ready to let go of?
Let me know how it feels to loosen your grip and try a different approach. I’m here to help you figure it out.
Examples
Example 1: "I am working out 5-6x/week, eating well—not snacking. I walk every day."
How’s that working for you?
Does this routine make you feel good physically and mentally?
Are you enjoying these workouts and walks, or are they starting to feel like a chore?
Are you seeing the progress you want, whether that’s in strength, energy, mood, or another goal?
Does this feel sustainable, or are you on the edge of burnout?
If everything feels great and aligned with your goals—awesome. Keep it up! But if there’s some tension (like feeling exhausted or overly rigid), we might look at ways to adjust so you don’t lose momentum or enjoyment.
Example 2: "I am weighing myself every day, every week. I can’t seem to stop."
How’s that working for you?
Does weighing yourself daily help you feel more in control or more anxious?
Are you using the number on the scale to guide productive actions, or does it just leave you frustrated?
Is the scale the only way you measure progress, or could we explore other indicators that matter more—like energy levels, strength, or how your clothes fit?
If the daily weighing feels helpful and keeps you motivated, that’s okay. But if it’s stressing you out or becoming an obsession, we could consider scaling back and shifting focus to more meaningful, internal cues of success.
For both examples, the question “How’s that working for you?” is designed to help reflect on whether a habit or behavior is serving its intended purpose—or just keeping you spinning your wheels.
Sometimes control feels like action, but real action aligns with what you truly want.
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